What the Olympians Don't Want You to See
by Fishpony
Summary: Let's face it, the winners write the textbook.  So is it too hard to believe that the Olympian's censored bits and peices of their history.  Well this is the, mostly, true collection of Greek Myths.
1. Kronos

How Kronos Became Ruler of the Universe and His Failures as a Parent

As a matter of fact, Kronos had never wanted to have kids. When he was young it had never crossed his mind. Why strain himself with the burden of parenthood? There would be so much he needed to do. College funds, paying for their extracurricular activities, buying stuff for them. It was too much work.

It would also get pretty awkward on holidays. Not only would he have to take them to visit their grandparents (how exactly do you visit the earth?) they would have to do with the bothersome topic of the Cyclopses and Hundred Handed Ones. He could just imagine the dinner conversation with grandpa:

_"Where are all our relatives?"_

_"I locked them underneath the Earth in a giant hellhole! Muahaha!"_

Kronos did think that his father was sort of a jerk for doing that. Being ugly is no excuse for locking your kids in Tartarus to suffer eternal torture. Wasn't it his genes that made the Cyclopses and Hundred Handed Ones ugly anyway? Hypocritical much?

He knew his mom felt pretty bad about her children being imprisoned, Kronos wondered why she didn't just spit them back out, until one day she concocted a plan to free them. She gathered her remaining children around her, around a crack in ground actually, and asked which one of them would be willing to kill their father.

That seemed a little extreme to all of the other Titans but Kronos had always been somewhat homicidally inclined so he agreed. His mother gave him this scythe to carry out the deed and made him promise to release his ugly brethren once he ruled the universe.

The only problem with all this was that after Kronos had all the power and responsibilities of being king of everything he sort of forgot about the Cyclopeses and Hundred Handed Ones. It wasn't like they hadn't been trapped long enough already; they could wait a couple thousand years.

Out of the blue his wife Rhea, who was also his sister (come on people there's absolutely nothing wrong with inbreeding), announced that she was pregnant.

Boy was that scythe looking appealing.

It was clear to Kronos that he had utterly failed in the parenting department. Or maybe his kids had failed in the "respect authority" department. Yeah, he liked that last one. Door #2 please.

It was true that Kronos hadn't been the most affectionate father but that was a result of ruling the universe. He didn't have time to go to ball games, school performances, or fishing trips. His always said he needed to hug his kids more. But that Zeus had some serious static electricity powers and he didn't want to risk it.

Besides, those six pains of Olympic proportions were just a little too weird. Sure lots of parents don't understand their kids but Demeter had an obsession with corn that he just couldn't relate to. Plus, judging by the way Hestia stared at the family hearth, a creepy somewhat sadistic smile on her face; she just might have been a pyromaniac.

Oh and then there was Poseidon, always skipping school to go flirt with the mermaids. His grades slipped and when he got home he didn't do his homework, he just sat there staring at the wall with a blank expression on his face. Kronos was constantly getting dragged to parent teacher conferences. It was always, "Hera doesn't relate well to the other children" or "Hestia would get better grades if she stopped setting the classroom on fire" or even "We believe your son Hades might be clinically depressed".

Was it any wonder why he ate them? I mean, he never would have been able to survive the teen years.


	2. Zeus

**AN: Just FYI the chapters in this story aren't going to be very long. Please be aware that I did that for a reason**

What Zeus Did 

Contrary to popular belief Rhea was not the best parent either. While Kronos hated all his children equally Rhea played favorites, and that was just wrong.

She always made sure that Zeus got the best toys, the biggest bedroom, and the shortest time out periods. She spoiled that brat rotten, something that caused a great deal of resentment between the other boys of the house. Poseidon was always throwing temper tantrums to get attention, like the Atlantis thing. Zeus had gotten a bigger piece of dessert so Poseidon had gone out and destroyed a civilization. Being the wonderful mother that she was Rhea told him to go channel his energy into something productive, like painting.

Needless to say, it didn't work out.

After Kronos paid off his son's debt to society money was pretty tight. Demeter was absolutely fine with that and made corn husk dolls for all her siblings. There was one small scale incident when Hera thought they were voodoo dolls and threw Zeus's in Hestia's hearth but besides that a time of tentative calm fell over the household.

It was not to last.

On that fateful day Poseidon had been caught skipping school for the eight time, Zeus dunked some poor nerd's head in a toilet, Hera turned one of the more popular girls in her class into a weasel, and Hestia had tried to flambé a dessert in Home Ec. with an acetylene torch.

Those were the last straws.

Rhea tried to persuade Kronos that all they needed was some good family therapy. When that ultimately failed she snuck her favorite son (I'll give you a hint, it's not Hades) out of the house before his father could eat him.

Zeus was thrilled to finally be in the outside world. Everything there amazed him. The stale gray patches of gum on the side walk, the whole art of ding-dong ditching, and the fact that you could bump into people and they wouldn't use crazy superpowers on you. Best of all, when he used the public bathroom, he didn't have to put the toilet seat down.

Zeus would have been content to hang out on the streets with the friendly hobos and the flasher who lived a few blocks away if it wasn't for one thing. Being the youngest of six kids he wasn't old enough to go to bars. This was a major problem for the future king of Olympus. There was only one option; he would have to free his older sibling, or at least one of them, overthrow his father and _then_ Hestia would buy everybody drinks.

It was full proof!

One day it just so happened that Zeus stumbled across the only one smart enough to pull off his hole ridden plan. Metis, the Titaness of wisdom. She gave him a drink that would make Kronos barf up his kids. In addition, Metis told him to free the Cyclopses and the Hundred Handed Ones as they would prove to be great allies.

So that was what happened and once his siblings took showers they set off to (finally) free their extremely ugly uncles.

The Cyclopses and Hundred Handed Ones were so grateful that they gave Zeus, Hades, and Poseidon three magical items. They gave Zeus a gigantic lightning bolt, Hades an invisible helmet, and Poseidon an oversized forky trident thing. It was clear they'd been taking lessons from Rhea.

Now, Zeus decided that overthrowing Kronos would be too much work so in a stroke of uncanny genius he called Social Services about his abusive father. The six of them related their tales of woe and Kronos was arrested.

After high fiving over their triumph the three boys decided to pull straws to see who got what lot in the universe. Their sisters wanted to have a lot to but in the great words of Zeus, "Girls have cooties!"


	3. The Titan Underground Resistance

**AN: Many creative liberties have been taken with this tale. I don't want any Olympian-conformist historians contacting me about inaccuracies.**

Spy Rings and Voodoo Dolls

So after Zeus and everybody fought their epic battle (figuratively meaning court case, not a real war) things on earth looked pretty boring. There were only Titans, nymphs, and stuff left. We all know that Zeus would have been content with the nymphs but his siblings were not. They wanted to be gods _over _something.

That's when Prometheus comes into play.

Zeus was not up for the responsibility that creating a whole species requires. He figured that if he passed the job off to Prometheus and his brother Epimetheus he could go have some fun with the nymphs. The only problem with that was while, Epimetheus was a hard working guy he was somewhat simple in the head. He is the Titan of Afterthought after all. Prometheus on the other hand was the Titan of Forethought meaning…

HE WAS A MANIACALY CLEVER SCHEMING LITTLE SPAWN OF TARTARUS WHO WANTED TO SEE THE OLYMPIANS GO DOWN!11!

Ahem. Pardon that outburst. According to multiple resources, much strenuous research, and browsing on Wikipedia it is safe to assume that Prometheus was actually a spy for the Titan Underground Resistance also known as T.U.R because hey, acronyms are cool.

Prometheus figured that the best way to destroy the gods was to use his new Playing God job to his advantage. Instead of doing the obvious thing like making gargantuan monsters he took the subtler approach. Voodoo dolls!

Unfortunately, Hera caught on to this at a suspiciously fast rate and called all the other gods over to look at the rather creepy clay figures lying on Prometheus's work table.

Thinking quickly (that's what he does) Prometheus blew life into the statues, creating the first cavemen, and the whole thing went down like this:

Prometheus: Hi, um, guys. I just created human kind in honor of you.

Epimetheus: They're not instruments meant for your downfall.

Prometheus: Shut up, you'll blow my cover.

Epimetheus: I didn't tell them you were a Titan sp… (Epimetheus is cut off by an unknown force)

Zeus: That's sweet and somewhat creepy.

Demeter: Do they farm? They're no good if they don't farm.

Poseidon: I don't know about you guys but I'd prefer a sacrificed bull any day of the week.

Thinking quickly, Prometheus figured out how to give his naked hairless creations enough intelligence and although the records of this conversation were badly burned our conversation reconstruction generator gave us this:

Prometheus: Well, if you let me give them the god's sacred fire they could worship you.

Zeus: The god's sacred fire is for the gods, duh.

Hestia: Did somebody say fire?

So Prometheus came up with an awesome new plan. He would steal fire from the gods. He got Athena to help him out because, in a bizarre twist, she was actually an undercover member of the T.U.R. Who would have guessed that Athena favored her Titan side of the family after Zeus ate her mom? Seriously, cannibalism must run in the family.

In another shocking twist Athena snitches to daddy Zeus and reveals herself to be a… triple agent? Anyway, as a form of punishment Zeus chained Prometheus to a rock. It's interesting to note that while some sources say that Prometheus was attacked by vultures and others say eagles it was actually both that ripped his liver out everyday. Apparently those Olympian-conformist historians thought it would be overkill, literally, to include that bit of information.

But Prometheus succeeded in one way. Mankind still received fire and realized that they would be warmer if they put on some clothes. They then proceeded to make the wheel, hunt some mammoths, and sacrifice stuff to the gods as a form of appeasement.

Everything would have gone all hunky-dory after that if it wasn't for Pandora and her stupid box.


End file.
